My heart is beating faster than the usual. I feel like it might explode anytime. I’m about to melt as your eyes locked into mine. I wish I could find a way to get inside your heart. I wish I could get the chance to have you. I wish you’ll let me love you and be my everything. I am helplessly hoping. Always waiting. Always dreaming. Always wanting you.
But I have to face the reality that I can’t have you. So I live my life everyday hoping and dreaming that someday, maybe someday, we can be together. Because after all this time, you’re still the one I want. And I’m secretly wishing you’re mine. Not hers.
It’s like you’re being stabbed in the heart zillion times. Like you’re being tortured. Like you’ll gonna explode any moment. Like you were trapped and can’t find your way out. Like there’s no escape. You feel like you’re slowly dying. Tears of sorrow suddenly run down on your cheeks. You wanna cry your heart out loud. Excruciating pain. Unexplainable feeling. That’s how it feels seeing your love with somebody else.
I sometimes wonder if you still think of me just like the way I think of you. I know, years have passed, but I’m still feeling the same way like the first time I saw you. The first time we held hands. The first time you said “I love you”. The first time we kissed. The first time we made love.
I thought I’ll be fine. That I will never miss you. That I’ll be able to forget you. That’ll I’ll be strong enough and won’t shed even a single damn tear. I thought I’m finally over you. But my mind is still filled with the thoughts of you. My feelings for you haven’t changed.
You have no idea how hard is it for me to force myself to stop thinking about you. How hard is it for me to pretend that I don’t love you anymore. How hard is it to hide all this pain I’m feeling. How hard to stop these tears on my eyes from falling. It is so hard to forget every detail, every piece of the memories you’ve left me. Losing you was like losing everything.
Sorry for being weak. Sorry if I let our love die.
If only I could turn back the time. I should have told you, “Please stay”.
You fucked me over. You lied on me. You made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. You made me cry so many times like it was one of your hobbies. Sorry but it’s too late to say sorry. Enough of those sweet alibis and lies. Enough of those promise you never meant to keep. Please stop pretending you did love me.
You have no idea how badly I wanted to loathe you. How I wanted to hurt you, to scream at you, to make you hurt like you’ve hurted me, to make you realized that you’ve just lost a girl who loves you so much. I wanted to hate you so that this ire would eventually replace the misery that gripped my heart. You leaved my heart deeply wounded.
I almost thought we’ll end up together. That we will be soon raising our own children. But how can I fulfil all of these if you’re already gone? How come that the love we built together is now over? How come our story that magically began now tragically ended? You left my hopes and dreams crumbling down.
How could you move on and live a new life while I am still somehow stuck here dwelling in the past?
"What do you do if you want to share your happiness with someone?"
Break ups really do happen and ending a relationship is never easy. See?
It’s really hard pulling yourself out on a fucked up relationship. You sometimes wish that unfollowing them here on Tumblr, or unfriending them in Facebook make the whole thing a lot easier. Or maybe never texting that person again could actually make a difference. It’s not enough to simply stop calling them, texting them, unfriending or unfollowing them in every sites you guys were connected. Moving on isn’t that easy.
I always make it a habit to bring my phone with me all the time, because of you. Because I’m always hoping that I’ll get a text or a call from you. And you’re also the reason why I’m keeping it on loud every night because I’m hoping that you’ll send me a long and nice good night message. I don’t care if my phone is already glued on me, because I always want to talk to you any point of the day.
I seldom follow blogs. Not because I’m being feeling-famous-and-shit. I just want to make sure that following them makes them worthy. Worthy to be in my dash because they really have good posts to share. And not just some good convos with co-bloggers. Or if I got annoyed, will unfollow them because it’s my fucking blog, and I always have the authority to do it, lol. I always make sure that every time I’ll hit the heart button here on tumblr, it’s because I had read and love it (not just to like it because… I dunno).
Every time someone follows me, I still manage to check his blog to see blog’s content, blogger info’s etc. Check them, one by one. After that, if I liked him that is the only time I’ll follow him.
I sometimes pity myself because this blog is almost 2 years on the 30th, but still, I got no one here to talk and chit-chat with like what most bloggers do. They have what to call “friends” here.